she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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