More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
