She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
