Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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