I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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