last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
