I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
