Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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