mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
