Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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