I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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