i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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