My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
