I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
