I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
