Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Even my vagina gasped.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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