I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
