DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
