I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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