So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
