Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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