I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
