So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Randomize
