I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
