My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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