the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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