This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
