just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
