Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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