I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Found your dick twin last night
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
