I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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