i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
