Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
