I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
