dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
did you just send me my own nude
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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