I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
