I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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