i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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