i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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