apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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