I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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