your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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