i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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