When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
