Is it normal to miss your booty call?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
