I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
