I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
