Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
