i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
