She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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